


Waiting

by dis_boi_eating_jaraad



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29241600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dis_boi_eating_jaraad/pseuds/dis_boi_eating_jaraad
Summary: Seulgi decides to stop waiting around and dwell on what could have been and fix what is left instead
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi, Mentioned Park Sooyoung | Joy/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for heavily implied miscarriage.

Seulgi sits alone, once again waiting for Joohyun to show up. She doesn’t even know why she bothers, she knows the outcome, but she must be some kind of masochist because she waits every time, only to be stood up every time.

“Miss, we’re sorry but we’re going to have to ask you to leave if you don’t order soon.” A young waitress informed her uncomfortably.

“No… it’s fine. I’ll leave. Sorry for the inconvenience.” Seulgi apologises and grabs her purse and jacket.

“You can wait a bit more.” The waitress offers, not wanting to offend her. “Or order a drink perhaps?”

“No thank you.” Seulgi answers politely. “She’s not coming anyway.” She mumbles to herself as she walks away from the table, putting on her jacket in the process.

She steps out onto the busy street, wondering how to go home since Joohyun was supposed to drive her to their home. She could call a cab, but she never liked sitting in a strangers’ car so she settles for another humiliating call to Seungwan, hoping she’s not too busy. 

She takes out her phone and looks at her recent calls. A call to Seungwan every Friday for the past months, she doesn’t even know how long this became the norm for her. Except she does, but she wishes she didn’t. She clicks on Seungwan’s name and listens to the phone ring.

“Hey.” Seulgi greeted her friend over the phone. “Are you busy?”

“Seul…” Seungwan starts and Seulgi knows what she’ll say, but she doesn’t want to hear it.

“Are you?” It comes out harsher than Seulgi intended but nothing goes how she wants it to these days.

“Yes, but I’ll send Sooyoung. She’ll take you home.” Seungwan offers the service of her girlfriend.

“Thank you.” Seulgi says sincerely, trying to convey how thankful she really is for the past months. “I’ll text her the address.”

“Ok, be careful Seul. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Seulgi does as she said and texts Sooyoung her location, slipping her phone back into her jacket pocket afterwards. She waits for Sooyoung to come and pick her up, trying not to overthink everything. That’s all she seems to be doing these days, waiting. She sighs and feels her phone buzz in her pocket.

_ Sorry I can’t make it today, got caught up in work, so don’t wait for me. - Joohyun _

Seulgi wants to cry or throw her phone away or just scream. She takes a deep breath instead, inhaling and letting go of her anger until she feels her phone buzz again. She hopes to god that it’s Sooyoung because if it’s Joohyun again she might just break down.

_ I’ll make it up to you next week baby, I promise. - Joohyun _

Seulgi scoffs. She can’t believe the audacity of her wife. She could scroll back through her history with Joohyun and find the exact same promise and excuse every week. She types out a heated response but, as always, she deletes it.

Just as she pockets her phone once again Sooyoung’s car pulls up in front of her. Seulgi opens the passenger door and gets in the car wordlessly, closing the door gently and dropping her purse on the car floor. She stares at her lap as Sooyoung pulls out onto the street, feeling humiliated and idiotic.

“So… how are you?” Sooyoung tries to start small talk with her.

“The same as always.” Seulgi answers and looks out the window, hoping that Sooyoung understands by her actions that she doesn’t want to talk.

Sooyoung thankfully does. Of course she does, this wasn’t the first time she’s had to pick Seulgi up when her own girlfriend was busy with something. She doesn’t attempt to talk to Seulgi again until they are in front of her and Joohyun’s house and she’s about to get out.

“Why do you wait every week?” Sooyoung asks her, desperate to know why Seulgi hangs on.

“She might come.” Seulgi says, not knowing if she’s assuring herself or Sooyoung.

“You and I both know she won’t. I just don’t understand why you put yourself through this.” Sooyoung tries to reason with her.

“Well, it’s good then that it’s not for you to understand.” And with that Seulgi grabs her purse and gets out of the car calmly, and enters her house. 

She sighs and lets go of her purse, letting it drop to the ground and walks into the kitchen with her shoes and jacket still on. It seems like too much energy to them off, and energy to do anything is something she’s been lacking recently. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to wait and sit, that doesn’t take a lot.

She saunters over to the freezer, checking inside if there is maybe some pizza she can throw in the oven as an easy solution for dinner. She used to care about what she ate, she liked trying new things but now she only eats whatever is available so she doesn’t starve. She wonders why it’s so easy to give up on everything but Joohyun.

She sighs deeply for the millionth time that day and heats up the oven. She stands there, waiting. She looks at the fridge and examines all the pictures of her and Joohyun over the years put up on displays. She smiles, a rare occurrence in recent months, and strokes one of the photographs she took of Joohyun. She looked so happy and carefree and Seulgi wishes she could go back.

Before she has the chance to dwell on it any further the oven lets out a sound that Seulgi knows signifies that it’s ready for the pizza. She puts in the pizza, checking the time displayed on it. 19:43. Their dinner was scheduled for 6, which means she waited for probably an hour before being forced to leave. 

She leans against the kitchen counter, waiting patiently. She would laugh if she had the energy for it. How fitting, she thought, waiting once again. 

She must really lose focus of reality because seemingly seconds later the oven screeches once again. She takes out the pizza from the oven and a knife from one of the drawers. She sits down at the dining table, cuts her pizza up and eats it. She leaves a few slices for Joohyun even though she probably ate at her office while Seulgi was sitting alone in a restaurant.

After she finishes eating she leaves her dirty plate on the table and drags herself upstairs to the bathroom. She strips off her clothes, leaving her shoes next to the shower and her jacket hung up next to Joohyun’s fuzzy purple bathrobe. She takes a relaxing but short shower and wraps a towel around herself. She digs out her phone from her jacket pocket and leaves the bathroom.

She walks down the hallway, going right past a first one and opening a second one further down the hallway. She steps into the spacious bedroom and throws her phone on the large bed, taking out a clean pair of pyjamas and replacing the towel wrapped around her with them. She throws her towel in what she hopes is the vague direction of a rack and throws herself on the bed.

Seulgi thinks about what to do. There isn’t much she could, going downstairs to the large TV was too high effort and she didn’t want to open her phone, knowing it would open her messages, so she settles on blindly flinging her arm at the bookshelf and reading whatever she touches first. 

She opens the book she took down, not even looking at the title. She starts reading but she’s not registering anything, having to reread multiple pages. She eventually gives up and just reads without really comprehending anything. 

She doesn’t know how long she’s been reading, if she can even call it that, when she has enough and throws the book on the nightstand. She digs around the bed for her phone, finding it after a few seconds of lazily tapping around on the bed. 

She looks at the time again, 22:06. Joohyun should be home soon. Seulgi remembers for a brief second about a time where the latest her wife worked would be 8pm and when she’d never miss their Friday dinners. She’s about to drag herself downstairs to reheat the leftover pizza for Joohyun when she hears a car pull up outside. She stays in the bed instead.

The keys rattle as they unlock the door. Seulgi listens carefully as she lies in their bed, staring at the ceiling. She hears some faint shuffling and the sound of the light switches being turned on. There is silence until the sink is turned on and her knife clanking against her plate fills the house. She’s trying to delay coming in here, Seulgi thinks.

She listens to Joohyun do her dishes and then hears footsteps on the stairs. The footsteps walk right past the door to their bedroom and straight to the bathroom. Seulgi listens to the shower and wonders what the hell she’s doing with her life. She sighs and turns her back to the door when the shower stops, expecting the door to open. Instead she hears footsteps going past the door again and realises Joohyun is putting her jacket and shoes away.

When Joohyun can’t delay going into their shared bedroom any longer the door opens. Seulgi doesn’t turn around, she waits again, listening to Joohyun changing into her pyjamas. She feels the covers being lifted and then dropped. Seulgi faces the ceiling again, lying on her back.

“Oh, you’re awake.” Seulgi sees the disappointment on Joohyun’s face from the corner of her eyes. “How was your day?” Joohyun asks out of obligation, lying in the same position as Seulgi.

“You didn’t come again.” Seulgi says, not bothering to answer her wife’s question. “You said you would come this time.” Seulgi turns her head to look at Joohyun now, seeing the distance between them. 

“I’m sorry,” Joohyun apologises and Seulgi can’t decide whether or not she really means it. “I’ll go next week.” Joohyun still doesn’t make eye contact with her and this is usually where Seulgi backs down.

“You say that every week.” Seulgi pushes, knowing what Joohyun will say.

“I really mean it this time.” Joohyun gives her more empty promises. “I swear.”

“You won’t show up, but I’ll wait anyway. That’s how it goes every week.” Seulgi states and she can see the remorse in her wife’s eyes. “I know that this is your way of coping, overworking yourself.” Seulgi confronts Joohyun, surprising herself because they’ve never really talked about it.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Joohyun plays dumb, still staring at the ceiling. 

“Could you please look at me when we’re talking at least?” Seulgi requests, her voice conveying her irritation, and Joohyun finally looks at her. “We need to talk about it, it’s been months. I’m hurting too, you’re not the only one.”

“I’m tired Seulgi.” Joohyun says, avoiding eye contact.

“I’m tired too!” Seulgi snaps and raises her voice, sittin up. “I’m always tired, tired of you ignoring me, tired of getting stood up and tired of waiting! I’m tired of the humiliating calls I make to Seungwan every Friday! And I’m really tired of putting you before myself! So will we talk about this finally, or do I need to leave?” Joohyun looks surprised at Seulgi’s outburst, she was never very confrontational.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m sad?” Joohyun asks, still lying down.

“Just tell me what you’re feeling please.” Seulgi pleads, sitting on her knees. “I’ll tell you how I feel if it helps, but you have to tell me too.” Seulgi offers.

“Okay.” Joohyun nods and Seulgi smiles slightly, happy they’re finally talking.

“I feel like I have no energy for anything, like all the life has been sucked out of me.” Seulgi starts, looking at her lap. “I’m disappointed. I feel like maybe it’s my fault that we never talk anymore, but I’m also angry that you never show up to our dates. I just… I want us to be okay again.” Seulgi sniffles slightly and looks back up at Joohyun.

“I’m sorry.” Joohyun apologies and for the first time Seulgi really feels like she means it. “My turn?”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay, I feel… guilty.” Joohyun says and Seulgi looks at her encouragingly. “I feel like it’s my fault it happened, that maybe I did something wrong.” Joohyun looks up at the ceiling, tears in her eyes.

“It’s not.” Seulgi reassures her, taking one of Joohyun’s hands in her own.

“I also feel like a failure.” Joohyun’s voice cracks and tears stream down her face, her eyes now closed. “You were so excited.” Joohyun says through her sobs clutching Seulgi’s hand like her life depends on it. “I feel like I can’t face you because I failed you and you’ll just be disappointed in me.”

“I’m not, I would never blame you.” Seulgi comforts her, quickly lying down next to Joohyun and embracing her.

“I’m sorry I ruined everything.” Joohyun cries, holding onto Seulgi tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.” Seulgi kisses the top of her head. “I love you, I’m glad you finally told me.” Seulgi rubs her wife’s back, all her anger and frustration of the past months gone, and they lie together until Joohyun calms down.

“I just… I never meant to ignore you, it was just so much easier than talking.” Joohyun tells her.

“Shh, it’s okay. We’ll work everything out.” Seulgi promises and a calm silence fills the room until Joohyun opens her mouth.

“Do you think we would have been good parents Seul?” Joohyun asks and Seulgi’s heart breaks at how tiny she looks.

“Yeah. You would have been a great mother.” Seulgi whispers into the dark room.

**Author's Note:**

> I know that miscarriage is a sensitive topic and everyone deals with it differently, this is just one way someone could potentially react.
> 
> I have experienced miscarriage within my family, but if I offended anyone with this story then I am sorry and please tell me so I can fix it.


End file.
